Completely Original James and Lily Romance
by ShakedownStreet
Summary: A 100% original, completely groundbreaking James and Lily romance story. Parody.


Alright There, Evans?

James Potter was the worst. Even now, Lily could see him in her mind's eye, prancing about like a little ponce, acting as if he owned everyone and everything, a stupid grin on his beautiful face - UGH! Beautiful face, where had that come from?!

Sure, Lily could concede to herself, the prat was rather fit from all the Quidditch - you know, that sport that's just flying around and really takes no physical exertion whatsoever and therefore in no way shape or form could make someone jacked but whatever just roll with it - but as far as redeeming qualities went, his list was rather short. Perhaps he hadn't been too terrible last year, but he had been absolutely horrid for years and years before that. Walking around with a head bigger than Hagrid's whole body, pranking anything that moved, showing off for his mates, being mean to Lily's greasy pet Wizard Nazi - James Potter was in _no way fanciable!_ she shouted to her dirty, salacious, traitor brain.

* * *

"Hey guys, mind if we join?" Marlene McKinnon said, entering the train compartment. "The next cabin over was completely full with Molly Prewett, Arthur Weasley, Mauve Brown, Alice Placeholdersurname, Frank Longbottom, Gupta Patil, Morticia Parkinson, Lucius Malfoy, Henry Abbot, Filius Flitwick Jr., Flare Zabini, Ponce Delacour, and Roger Greengrass," because literally everybody's parents are the exact same age.

"Sure Mar," Lily grinned at her gorgeous yet troubled friend. Marlene was one of Lily's best mates, because she's mentioned to have died like five years later so obviously they had been best friends forever. One might even say she was a female Sirius Black, a total heartbreaker and free spirit - but with a gentle, damaged soul that really only lashed out because they were both too afraid to accept **true love**.

"Thanks Lils," the beautiful blonde grinned back, "by the way, monogamy is for idiots and boys are only good for a shag. So anyway how was your summer?"

* * *

"Lils, wait, you have to listen to me!" she could hear the desperation in Severus' voice. Lily twirled around and fixed him with a glare.

"I don't _have_ to do anything," she said, her eyes fiery, like her hair, did we do the whole metaphor bit about the red hair defining Lily's entire personality yet?

"You don't understand!"

"You mean you _don't_ want to join up with a genocidal hate group that wants to kill me and everyone like me?"

"Well no, that part's true - "

"Then we have NOTHING to talk about!" She stormed off, in fiery fashion, before he caught her by the wrist.

"This is because of _him_ isn't it!"

"Well that's a pretty big non-sequitur - "

"I knew it! You want to _shag_ Potter!" her former best friend positively growled, an ugly look on his face.

"So what if I do!" And now she really did storm off, unimpeded. She told herself she _absolutely_ did not mean it, she only said it to hurt Sev-No- _Snape_.

"One day I'll be super mean to your son! Also I'll probably wank it to you forever," his voice trailed behind her as she left.

* * *

She couldn't believe it. She absolutely could not fathom it - _James Potter_ was head boy?! Dumbledore had truly, finally lost his mind. Her jaw had nearly dropped when she entered the Prefect's cabin, only to see him with his stupid sexy hair standing there, the Head Boy pin proudly pinned on his chest...his chest...she just wanted to rip that stupid pin off him and oh yes, his shirt too, and slather his nipples with whipped cream and nibble sensually at - UGH! Where had that come from?!

"Hi Evans," James said, completely blandly.

"UGH! Potter, you absolute pig!"

Some background, secondary characters who are Prefects talk for a little bit, but definitely for sure Remus and Sev-No- _Snape_ are there. And maybe Neville's parents or something.

Lily stood in the corner and fumed. Who did _James Potter_ think he was? Standing up there and conducting this Prefects meeting in a completely professional and sexily competent manner? He was such a git, with his git, specky glasses, and his stupid, sexy Prefect patrolling schedules...

"- Evans?"

"Huh? What?! UGH!"

* * *

"Welcome," Dumbledore welcomed, in his Welcoming Speech, the only lines he will have in this story, "to the Welcoming Feast! The Forbidden Forest is just that," his eyes lingered over the Marauders, and everyone in the Great Hall was totally uncomfortable. "House Unity! Dark Times! Eat!"

"Mad, but brilliant, that's what I always say Pads," Remus said, smoldering with his Byronic, sexy past. Also maybe he's gay idk it's like 50/50.

"Too right, Moony," Sirius said while simultaneously flirting with McKinnon, Alice, and McGonagall.

Peter tittered nervously in the background.

* * *

"I know you're hiding something from me, Remus. How can you expect me to believe you when you say you love me, when I know you're not being honest!" Original Character cried, tears welling up in her gentle, waifish eyes, and then stormed off.

Remus walked over to the rest of the Marauders in a daze.

"Just tell her your secret, Moony!" James said, exasperated with his sexy but tragic friend. "She loves you, just like we do. She's not going to run away, just like we didn't!"

"No!"

"Fine then. I bet you'll act like this for decades, as if you never learned or experienced any personal growth whatsoever!"

Sirius, James' other sexy but tragic friend, threw his arms around Moony's shoulders. "Don't listen to James, mate. I bet you'll grow up and marry an insanely hot shape shifter, for some reason."

"Yeah?" Moony grinned a little at that. "Think we can imply she's a hermaphrodite too? That way we can neatly tie up the whole am I gay or not angle, and even roll in something about you and I having unresolved sexual tension."

"Perfect!"

Peter was neither sexy nor tragic. He was chubby and short, so he'd grow up to be evil, clearly. He tittered nervously in the background.

* * *

"Prongs, I know you want to finally get off with Evans this year, but it's the first night back! We have to prank someone!" Sirius pouted childishly.

"Pads, you know that **My Parents Died Over The Summer** and so I decided this year I was going to experience **Character Development**. Besides, pranks aren't really that funny, are they? I mean everyone forces them into their stories, and it's almost always just changing the color of shit or blowing stuff up or throwing dungbombs and honestly, how fucking tedious does that sound?"

"It's tradition! Besides, how else will everyone know we're roguish and charming?"

"Well, you smoke cigarettes," his best mate pointed out helpfully.

"True, but the pranks James, the pranks!"

* * *

"Sirius! You're breaking our poor mother's heart!"

Sirius flicked his cigarette carelessly over the side of the Astronomy Tower. "As if that crazy bint even had a heart," he mumbled.

"Look - we all know you're a little different. But change is coming, you have to see that! And you should be where you belong, not with these blood-traitors," Regulus said earnestly - because he's **Redeemed** later, so he's not all evil, and is allowed to say things earnestly.

"Reg..." Sirius dragged his hands through his shaggy, flowing locks. "They're poisoning you with this blood purity shite, can't you see that?"

"Sirius...what will happen to us? I'm just afraid... things won't be the same between you and I,"

"Ah, Reg..." Sirius sighed, and threw another cigarette that had magically appeared in his hand carelessly away. He reached over and ruffled his little brothers hair before throwing his arms across his shoulders. "That'll never happen, mate. C'mon, lets make you disappear for forty chapters or so until we need you back for plot reasons, probably to do with Snape."

* * *

"Potter - James! Wait," Evans said, causing him to slow and stop right before the Fat Lady's portrait, not turning around to face her.

"Er, yeah?" His voice had a low, husky quality to it.

"I just wanted to say - UGH!"

She could see that lazy, thrilling smirk quirk up across his face. "Alright there, Evans?" ( **A/N FUCKIN FREAK OUT HERE THATS THE CHAPTER TITLE DROP MOTHERFUCKERS)**

"I just wanted to say..." ( **A/N IT'S A METAPHOR - IT REPRESENTS LILY AT A CROSSROADS. SEE, SHE'S QUESTIONING EVERYTHING ABOUT JAMES. SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE'S TRULY 'ALRIGHT THERE')**

"Yes...?" He teased, and she just wanted to reach out and cover those smug lips with her own and reach around and slip her lily-white fingers up his tight butth- UGH! Where had that come from?!

"I just wanted to say that... I thought that generic nice thing you did a couple minutes ago was pretty...nice."

"Nice?" James turned towards her and smirked. Her butterflies returned. Five million butterflies, roiling in her gut, fucking raging through her stomach every time he did something involving his eyes or lips. A literal orgy of butterflies.

Lily didn't know what was happening to her, because Lily apparently had a very loose grasp on the inner workings of her own mind. This was simple stuff here.

"Yes, nice," she blushed. She reached out and gently brushed his bicep with her fingertips -

And it was fireworks. It was the Boston Pops and _**electric** _and the ending orchestral piece of "A Day In The Life" and that Bend Over scene from Secretary all rolled into one. It was riding a Sybian while getting a Swedish massage or eating chocolate b/c women and chocolate amirite or when the Land of Oz turned technicolor. Nothing that those Other Boys had done with her ever made her feel like _this._ Was this how it was supposed to...? It couldn't be...

He gave her that devilishly handsome smile and turned to enter the common room. "Alright there, Evans." ( **A/N OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT HE SAID IT AGAIN ALL HUSKY AND SHIT)**

He left her gasping there in the hallway, leaned up against the stone wall to help her recover from the baker's dozen of orgasms that touch had wrought from her loins. She wished he would come rushing back out, grinning _that grin_ , so she could throw him on the floor and lube up her strap-on and grip him by the hair and - UGH! Where had -

"Lily!" Some Girl came running by. "Had you heard?"

Lily shook her head to regain her composure. Her thoughts came slow and fuzzy. She couldn't deny it to herself anymore. She... was in love with _James Potter._ "Heard what?"

"James just asked out Bland Non-Offensive Nice Girl to Hogsmeade!"


End file.
